all or something

They say it’s all or something.

No one needs you to be perfect.

Except me. I need me to be perfect.

I live between two worlds, two people. They don’t know how to hang out.

I want to write more, create more, get outside with my kids with no plans besides drinking in the sun/clouds/rain/snow/AIR. I want to have more sex (with my husband), drink better wine, dream about the future, and have sweet, long talks with people I love.

I want to eat more protein, lift weights, go to bed earlier, and meet my career goals. I want to start running again and run races and push myself to do more than I think I can. I want to feel the pain of discipline followed by the delicious feeling of accomplishment. I want to know that I can do hard things again.

I want to rise early and sit with Jesus. Pray. Write. Sing. Read the word to KNOW Him more.

I want to know how to parent my children correctly. Not from a textbook or from someone else’s opinion, but in the way that guarantees that my children will grow up to be loved and loving, knowing Christ, knowing themselves, walking in truth, living wide open.

I want to be a good friend to my husband. I want him to be a good friend to me. I want to care for my sweet, dear friends. I want to connect with more moms in this season of life. I want to open up our family to people of all seasons of life. I want to proclaim the gospel through the way our family lives.

I am afraid that I end many days angry, overtired, embarrassed at how little I have it together (no dinner plans, no workout, lousy parenting, barely hanging in there with my spouse). Frequently ungrateful. Lonely. Wondering where my place is. Wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Missing my family. Missing myself. Thinking only of myself.

The solution? Be better. Push harder. Track my stats. Bully myself across the finish line.

Or.. let go. Completely surrender to each day, letting it bring what it may. And look back wondering where the months and years went and why I’m not becoming the person I know I want to be.

There’s gotta a middle ground. There’s gotta be a go between, a third person that can make peace between my misunderstood sides. Is it Jesus? Does He know both parts of me? Can He be my friend when I don’t know how to befriend myself, give grace to myself, push myself, let go of myself, and find myself – all at the same time?

These are my thoughts.